


Human Reproduction Sure Is Weird!

by biichama (biichan)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alien Abduction, Aliens Make Them Do It, Also There Are Buckets, Alternate Universe, Basically Alternia Exploded And Then Became The Asteroid Belt, Cliche, Homestuck Shipping Olympics, Multi, Not To Mention Dave Saying Some Very Profane Things, Sburb Does Not Exist For Some Reason
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-05
Updated: 2011-09-05
Packaged: 2017-10-23 10:53:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/249500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biichan/pseuds/biichama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is why alien abductions should never be performed by adolescents.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Human Reproduction Sure Is Weird!

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wrote this for the first round of the Homestuck Shipping Olympics. Renabunny and the rest of Team John/Rose/Dave/Jade were my beta readers.

Your name is JOHN EGBERT and you think you are probably thirteen years old, but for all you know you might be fourteen by now or even fifteen. The only one who bothers to keep track of time anymore is Dave. You went to sleep the night before your thirteenth birthday in your own bedroom with your own awesome movie posters and magic chest and you woke up in some weird round chamber with three other kids who would turn out to be your best friends and absolutely no idea how you got there.

The answer of course was that you were all abducted by aliens for weird science-y experiments, but you didn't know that at the time. At the time you all thought you'd been kidnapped for ransom, since your Nanna and Jade's Grandpa had joint ownership of the Betty Crocker company, Rose's Mom did important science-y things and Dave's Bro... well. He'd probably pissed off the mob or something. Maybe he left a dead smuppet's head on some mobster kingpin's bed or something. Whatever it was, it was definitely cool and ironic.

Sometimes you get little printed messages from the aliens, but mostly they just use a computerized voice synthesizer thingy that comes from the wall speakers. You don't actually know how many aliens there are—Rose's estimate is 12+ given the number of different typing quirks in the notes and speech tics in the voice synthesizer—but for all you know there might just be one very busy alien with multiple personalities that just really likes to troll the four of you and mess with your heads! You really don't know!

All you know right now is that the alien(s) are even more evil than your (adopted) great grandmother, because you and Dave have been stripped naked, given a pail, and ordered to _get on wwith it_.

“Um,” you say intelligently. “Get on with what?”

But instead of the wavery computer voice that can't pronounce its Vs right you get the shouty one who is (no surprise!) shouting again, all _FILLING IT, GRUBSHIT!_ and then insulting you further with phrases that don't quite translate but the general gist of it seems to be that you are a moron (the shouty one says that practically once a day, actually) and you look down at the pail and over to Dave and you have no idea what the heck you're supposed to fill the pail with, unless you're supposed to pee in it, but you've already did the pee in the cup thing in actual cups for them—more than once, actually—and you really don't know why they'd want an entire pail full of both your pee in the first place.

Aliens sure are weird!

But that's okay. Dave's on top of this. “With what, dunkass? I guess we could take a dump in it—is that what you want? A nice long Strider turd with some goey Egbert squirts on top? Or we could take a leak on it, I guess. You anal probing conksucks are pretty kinky. I bet you just love them golden showers. Or maybe you want to be all homoerotique since our threads are gone and have us shake the sausage together, but if that's the case you're going to need a good three or four pails more for all the marshmallow crème Dave Strider can bring.” He cocks his head to the side. “Oh. Wait. All three, right?”

There is a long silence. You use it to further reflect how glad you are that Rose and Jade are asleep in the corner because this is perhaps the most awkward you have felt in your life.

_  
that is the most disgustin thing I havve evver heard in my entire fukin life  
_

And everything goes black.

–

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS and you have never felt such hatred in your entire fucking life. It goes beyond _kismesis_ —there is no element of romance to your fury, just purely platonic vitriolic loathing for that sick, twisted coolkid known as Dave Strider.

Even Terezi seems thrown off-guard by the Dave human's words and she's been stupidly obsessed with the nooksniffer for the last six perigees. Well, good. She's supposed to be your matesprit, dammit—not flushed for some stupid pink monkey who never takes off his sunglasses.

Eridan of all people recovers the powers of speech first and while he's busy expressing the sentiments of every single troll in hearing range, you gesture to Vriska to put the two humans back to sleep.

“I'm sorry, Karkitty!” Nepeta whimpers from her workstation in the corner. “I was just so pawsitive... my shipping grid had them as purrfect together!”

Kanaya reaches to pat her on the shoulder. “Everyone makes mistakes,” she says and at least she's there to reassure people, because God knows you suck at it.

Not that there is anything reassuring about your situation in the least. The day before your sixth wriggling day, you were yanked out of your recoupercoon by the goddamned Heir To The Throne Herself and sent to some stupid underground laboratory bunker with the rest of your asshole friends to wait out god knows how many cycles in stasis, only to wake up to find that Alternia was gone—reduced to a fucking _asteroid belt_ full of stupid dead chunks of rock, the biggest of which still contained your laboratory—and that boring blue planet third from the sun was now full of stupid pink monkeys that were evidently the only sentient life in the solar system outside of the twelve of you.

So you did the only thing you could think of. You assumed leadership of this gibbering gang of losers and declared that the only thing to do was to take some of the flying saucers still left in the hanger near the surface and kidnap some pink monkeys to experiment on.

Although there are some nights where you wish you'd picked a different group of four monkeys.

Most nights, actually.

This particular experiment is not going well.

You signal to Vriska to wake the other two humans and you let Eridan give the orders again, since it seems to make him happy to play sciencetroll. Of course the Rose human and the Jade human play dumb again. Before you can yell how they aren't fooling anyone with the idiot act, Kanaya says, “We need you to fill it with your genetic material. We're doing a study on reproduction.”

Even though she can't actually see any of you, the Rose human gives the glass a Look that makes you want to strangle her. “Ah. So you expect us to rip our ovaries out with our own hands. You might want to give us a scalpel instead—though I suppose I could use one of my knitting needles if only you'd given me some that weren't blunt and plastic.”

The Jade human just wrinkles her nose. “i'm pretty sure two girls can't reproduce together by themselves.”

“Really,” says Kanaya.

The Jade human nods.

“Both male and female genetic material is generally required,” the Rose human says in that condescending way of hers.

“i guess aliens must be different!” says the Jade human. You see Kanaya open her mouth and you gesture wildly to Vriska to do her thing before Kanaya gives away all your secrets.

Well. At least you now know what you've been doing wrong.

–

You are JOHN EGBERT and you have no idea where you're supposed to look. You can't look at Rose or Jade, because they're naked, but you can't look at Dave because he's naked too! And so are you, so you can't look down at yourself and you really, really, really don't want to look at the pail, because Rose and Jade have just explained that it's there so you all can mate or have babies or something and you have no idea WHY. They never told you about pails at school! Was this something you were supposed to learn in sex ed? The sex ed you never had because some stupid aliens decided to kidnap you before the health teacher had finished talking about TOOTH DECAY?

You never even had the chance to get the Talk from Dad.

“I hope you guys know more about this than me,” says Jade, softly so the aliens can't hear her. “Grandpa said I wasn't supposed to know anything about sex until I got married.” She glances down at the pail and blushes.

“Don't look at me,” Dave whispers back.

“But I thought Bro...” you start and Dave shakes his head.

“He only makes that stupid puppet shit. I know all about how smuppets do the nasty, but I don't see any of you with a plush rump or a long-ass dicknose.”

Rose sighs heavily. “Of course. Once again it falls upon me to enlighten the rest of you. Sadly, I won't be able to provide you with condescendingly worded and oversimplified explanations with unfortunately amateur illustrations as I once was, but I'll attempt to do the best I can to make up for—”

But she never finished her sentence before loud alien cackling started ringing in your ears.

_  
R3L3AS3 TH3 S3X P0LL3N!!!  
_

Suddenly, everything seems so very... warm.

–

You are KARKAT VANTAS and somehow you had forgotten that you never, never want to let Terezi and Vriska get bored. Ever. This is not anything you will ever forget again.

Sex pollen. _Sex pollen_. How is that even a _thing_?

It doesn't even work right, goddammit.

“WHY AREN'T YOU USING THE GODDAMNED BUCKETS! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX, NOOKWHIFFERS, NOT PLAYING TROLLSTER! WHO GAVE THEM A TROLLSTER MAT?”

… what the hell are tangle buddies and why do the humans want to be them?

This is all Past Karkat's fault, you decide. It usually is.

Oh goddammit. Why are humans so _weird_?


End file.
